As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.