Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

What year did Jesus think it was?

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?