'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.