Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

I believe you can joke about anything.

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.

To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.