The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything!

The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.