Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Does killing time damage eternity?