I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: 'People who smoke will eventually cough up small pieces of lung.'... And 'Warning!! Alcohol will turn you into the same jerk your father was.'

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

When I was in seventh grade, I was caught stealing money from the visiting team's locker room during a basketball game. So I was sent to The Brothers. That's what they called this parochial school up in Goshen, New York. I was supposed to get closer supervision there and more "masculine influence," whatever that means. But I was thrown out for telling a couple of really lame kids on the playground that I had heroin.