Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.