If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.

When I go to a party, nobody says hello. But when I leave, everybody says goodbye.

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today -- for tomorrow's gonna be bad enough as it is.