An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination.

A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.

An abstainer is the sort of man you wouldn't want to drink with even if he did.

All that is necessary to raise imbecility into what the mob regards as profundity is to lift it off the floor and put it on a platform.

An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut.