I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.