I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.