I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.