I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'