I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Nothing can help my comedy.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.