You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.