You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.