You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Nothing can help my comedy.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.