You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.