Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.