I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.