I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!