I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.