One of the great things about being gay and out is that the papers couldn't care less about your love life.

I'd like to retire at 50 but I don't want to sell papers in the middle of London on a Zimmer.

Some people think they're depressed and they go to the doctor and want pills. And you just think: 'You hate where you live, you've lost your job, your boyfriend has dumped you, could all this be why you're depressed?'

Because society places a value on masculinity, gay men aspire to it. If you go to a gay club and the doorman says, 'You do realise this is a gay club, don't you lads?' you get all excited because you think, 'Wow, he thought I was straight!'

You don't want to be hard to look at. Plain very good, hard to look at bad. The plain shall inherit the earth; time is our friend.

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.

I don't think anyone wants to be gay.