Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!