Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

big plans require big action

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.