Wasting time in a relationship that blows is just that - wasted time.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.

Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.