Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.