If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

The pain of being in a bad relationship is confusing. When it's over - it's over. No more confusion!

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.