Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend