I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.