There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.