People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?