People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.