Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.