Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?