You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.