You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.