My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'