Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.