Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.