It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.