Commencement addresses are usually garbage. They're for colleges seeking publicity.

I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

The media is Obama's scandal condom.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.