I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.