Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.

People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.