President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

Let me tell you about Australia. It's really, really, really, far from wherever you live on Earth. You fly and you fly and you fly. Then relativity takes over and you get younger and younger. And when you land, you're a gleam in your father's eye.