It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.