No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

I did stand up first in high school, joined an improv group in college, kept doing stand up after that, no one could deter me. And I have no other skills really, so I'm sorta stuck with this now. It's a little late to switch over to an ornithologist.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.