I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'