Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.