Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.