You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.

Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.