I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.