I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.