Tequila is like acid in a glass.

You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.