Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.