Talking to the British about sex is like talking to Americans about reading. Nobody does it so why talk about it?

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.