I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

I have to hear this all the time in England: Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.