I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

I'm always looking for that place, you know, where there's no rednecks, that place where people get along, and I never find it. I went to Australia, right, and I thought Australia was gonna be a groovy, surfnoid, smoke-a-joint wombat, you know? 'G'day mate!' 'No worries!' And it's like Arkansas with a beach. It's a whole country with a 'No Fat Chicks' sticker on it.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.

And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.