If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.