If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

Glasses are for the brave. I do not need to pretend that I am sighted. People who need glasses and don't wear them are slightly less treacherous than people who don't need them and do-like every shallow Hollywood star who wants to be taken seriously.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

I don't come on to seduce the audience. I don't care if everyone laughs. I can't think about that anymore. If there's anything that a lot of experience on stage and a lot of stage time gives you is the confidence to know that it's ok if they're not laughing every second you're up there. Although that's what drives me and I still go too fast a lot of the time.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.