I also live in the present, due to the constraints of the space-time continuum.

Some days, it seems to me like the purpose of life is to convert energy into beauty.

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Welcome to the degeneration of my mind.

You may be wondering why there are words on my hands. That's because I'm a dork. And I'm gonna choose not to explain myself.

Legacy media accuses young people of being apathetic while actively attempting to remove them from the discussion.

So the president is like, "Well, once upon a time it was Congress's job to decide whether or not we attacked countries, so let's let them decide." Which is funny, because, as we all know, if Congress were on fire, Congress could not pass the "Pour Water on Congress Act".